not in the mood tonight....

I don't know if anyone frequently checks my blog and actually takes their time to read about my life, but if anyone does I'm so sorry I've taken this long to update! Now all my thoughts will probably be jumbled, and I may leave stuff out, but it's definitely time to blog. Not only for the few that may read what I write, but for myself as well. Honestly, I write for myself and also to hopefully touch someone with at least something I may say. Let me just start by explaining what I mean by writing for myself. Ever since I had Cash, I've quickly discovered my true friends, and trust me...there aren't very many of them. The only person I still text text and see on a regular basis would be Burr. She's no doubt been my best friend from day one and I honestly believe she'll continue to be my best friend until the end of time, regardless of the rough times we may have in between. At the same time, I hate just throwing all my problems at her, because some things she just doesn't understand and admits she can't understand because she's never been in my shoes. She listens still though, even if she can't relate to me at all, she listens and tries her best to make things better, but at the same time, it's hard getting all my feelings out when no one understands. It actually get pretty frustrating having to bottle everything up inside just because you have no one to turn to. So I write (even though I can't always say exactly what I want because I never know who exactly is reading), and if this is where you want to completely tune me out because you could careless about my "problems" I completely understand, because I promise to get into something other than me! Let me start by explaining that I'm completely aware of the fact I need a job, but at the same time I absolutely hate everyone else getting to spend more time with Cash than I do. I've worked for six days in a row and the only time I've gotten to spend with Cash, has been at night when it's time for him to go to sleep and honestly it's somewhat depressing me. I'd do anything to just be a stay at home mom and spend all my time with him, but it's just impossible at this point. I'm struggling with it and need to find some way to stay positive and be okay with it. With that being said, I know I shouldn't be making it this big of a deal, but that's the kind of person I am. I'm seriously not trying to be selfish, and if that's what you take from this, I completely understand because honestly I sometimes feel selfish because of it. Which leads me to my next struggle. I'm constantly questioning why Tyler doesn't want to marry me or why he doesn't at least want to propose to me, or anything along those lines. I honestly don't understand it and don't think I ever will. I feel like the longer it takes, the less excited I become or the less meaningful it seems to be....I know selfish. But seriously girls/ladies, you can't honestly say you wouldn't feel the exact same way. Like I said, it's something I'm probably making a huge deal out of for no reason, but it's how I feel and honestly I can't change it no matter how hard I try. I honestly do not want to feel this way, but I do. Enough about me and all my petty problems, I want to take the time to inform everyone about my amazing new friend Brianna and her sweet baby Sawyer.  I emphasize the new because she's not exactly new to me, I've known her for a few years now, but take my word when I say the Brianna I knew and the Brianna I know now are completely different people. She's such an amazing young mother despite the struggles she's been faced with thus far. She's one of the strongest women I've ever met and I have no idea how she stays so strong and positive through everything. I'm so proud of the person she's become and I'm so excited to see how she, her husband, and baby Sawyer change the world, or at least impact people's lives around them. Sweet Sawyer may be blind, but he has more personality and a bigger heart than anyone I've ever met and I hope nothing but the best for them and their family. Also, those of you who read this, she's one of my followers & everyone needs to donate to their fund for Sawyer!! I have so much more to blog about, but I feel like this has been enough for one post, plus Tyler's tired & it's my night with Cash! Everyone keep reading, the next post will be more exciting....promise (: